Appearance is not reality. What you see through your eyes may not be the actual reality that someone is living. When I was married to B (1st marriage) and we were out with friends they would think we were the perfect couple. They didn't not see the B that I saw behind closed doors. They did not see the man that got mad at me and punched holes in the wall or threw phones against a tree, I assume to keep from hitting me. The man that could be verbally abusive at home. They saw the man that was kind and sweet. They saw what he wanted them to see.
I have many friends that are married to their best friends and have built a life with them. When I look at their life I see perfection but is there such a thing? No, even the married couple that has lived a life without divorce has had challenges, battles, disappointments and trials.
I have a friend that is very special to my heart but when you look at her family and how happy they are you don't see that she lost a child and the grief she has had to endure. When you look at another friend of mine that is single and wonder why she is single because she is simply amazing. You don't know that many years ago she got upset with her boyfriend. He left her house in anger and was killed by a drunk driver. Another friend of mine was informed by her husband on her 5th wedding anniversary that he wanted a divorce.
I simply hate when someone hears I have been married twice and immediately forms an opinion that I am not a good partner in a relationship or I don't know how to make one work or I will not be able to make one work in the future.
The reason I am divorced is - I refuse to be in a marriage where I am not loved. I will not be mistreated or disrespected. It is not over because I didn't try or because I gave up. I am also setting an example for my daughter. She should see how a woman should be treated and deserves to be treated.
I dated MDK (2nd marriage) 4 years before we got married. I was sure that was enough time to see him for who he was. In the four years that we dated we were happy and in love, we had not been confronted with such a tragic life obstacle. Six months after we were married we entered a custody case with his ex-wife. This was extremely stressful for the both of us. Instead of leaning on me for support he turned to alcohol and it went down hill very quickly. He drank daily, on the weekends he would get up at 7am and drink unil 7pm, he drained our bank account. He became someone I did not know. One day he looked me and told me he didn't love me or respect me and he would never stop drinking. He chose the alcohol not me. I never saw it coming... life once again brought me to my knees.
When I say I have been married twice it makes me shiver and I think it is embarrassing. I don't think and I hope no one goes into a marriage wanting a divorce. Have I healed? Yes. Have I forgiven myself for my mistakes and the red flags I didn't see and the ones I chose to ignore? I am working on it. Am I moving forward with my life knowing the mistakes I made have shaped me into the amazing person I am today? Absolutely.
Many, many, many people have been through multiple marriages and divorces and it is not our place to sit in judgement of them of why there marriage ended. If they have been married 1,2,3 give them a break you don't know what happened.
If you are a blessed family that has lived a life without divorce that is amazing and I am so happy for you. If you are single and have never been married but come from a family of divorce. Don't be scared to love someone and take the risk. Divorce is not hereditary and you aren't going to "catch it."
I have faced failure in marriage but I am very confident that I am going to find "the one" for me because I am an amazing person. I have faced failure in marriage and divorce head on. I have broken the pattern. I have learned from what I have been through and I have grown up A LOT! I have taken the blinders off and I am walking forward seeing the clear picture. I am a happy single momma living the life I am here to live. Taking one day at a time and knowing in my heart I truly deserve to love and be loved.
I am also going to have the next guy I date go through a 5 person panel interview to catch anything I missed. I'm just kidding, maybe!!
"No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be."
:)
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