#secondstory

You are not an option, you are not a mistake you are CHOSEN! You are not an option, you are not a mistake you are CHOSEN! - Lauren Tyler

"You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who has called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. " 1 Peter 2:9

"You did not choose me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name he may give to you." John 15:16

"We should always give thanks to God for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the spirit and faith in the truth." 2 Thessalonians 2:13


Hard, Overwhelming, Broken Promises, Heartache, Disappointment, Broken Trust, Loneliness, Challenge, Rejection, Loss and Waiting, is what I wrote in my journal when they asked "What's Been Your Story?"

Yesterday, I attended a women's retreat that was hosted by my church Gateway. The title of the retreat caught my eye, #secondstory. I thought to myself well the first half of my life really hasn't turned out the way I planned so let me see what they have to say about a #secondstory.

There were four sessions they spoke on: Believe. Hope. Love. Live

I believe in Jesus Christ. Period. No doubts.

I gave my life to Christ at the young age of 8 and when I did I received a new life.

"We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life." Romans 6:4

But......... we can believe but not believe. I believe in Christ but do I trust him to take care of my problems to provide to the point that I am at peace and don't worry about those things myself. No, I am guilty of holding onto the stress and worry and wondering if it is all going to work out.

I need to have more faith in trusting him.

When we got to the section on love the speaker Melissa Fisher spoke of how she recently took a trip to see her father whom she had not see in 6 years. She said that often times when we feel "stuck" and we are not moving forward it is often because there is bitterness, fear, guilt and unforgiveness in our heart that is keeping us there.

She asked us to think if there was anyone that we needed to forgive that has hurt us. As I sat and listened to her speak I recalled all the times someone hurt me but I could not recall anyone I had not forgiven. She then went on to say that maybe the person we need to forgive is OURSELVES!

Hello, that slapped me across the face... DING! DING! DING! Then she took it a step further by saying "maybe you haven't forgiven yourself because when you do, you can no longer be the victim. maybe you like the self-pity and the option to revisit the past and the pain anytime you like. Cause once you forgive yourself you don't get to be the victim any longer."

Well, that about sums me up. I don't consciously like being a victim to my past but it does give me the freedom to revisit the hurt when I want too or when I am feeling sorry for myself. Anytime someone has asked me my story the hurt is the first thing I think of.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" - John 10:10

For so long I have carried the guilt of my choices and not forgiven myself. I have looked back on my life in disappointment because it was not what I envisioned.  It is time for me truly lay it down at the cross and leave it there and believe that God will bring beauty from my ashes and that he is writing my #secondstory and live in peace, grace and mercy.  I don't know what tomorrow holds but I know who is holds it....

What's my #secondstory? I am happy to say that God is still writing it and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me..

Before leaving the retreat I wrote this as my last entry of my journal... "Chosen, Daughter of the King, Loved, Beautiful, Grace, Purpose and Eternity. God WILL make a way.

When I walked into that auditorium I was listening to the lies Satan was telling me, when I walked out it was with God's promises and his truth about who I really am.

Thank you Lauren, Holly, Haley, Melissa and Calla for reminding me who I find my true identity in.

203.8

I started this blog back in 2011 and resurfaced in 2014 and fast forward to 2016 and here I am again. I have always had a love for writing, it is one way to work through some of the emotions this life brings, with a dash of humor and a pinch of sarcasm. It has been on my heart to start writing again, so here I am... I can't honestly say this blog has any specific direction other than saying what is on my mind and leaving those that stumble upon it better, happier and inspired...

Yesterday, I went to a dietitian appointment to put a game plan together on destroying some pounds. I get tired of saying "lose weight" I don't want to "lose" it this time, I want to DESTROY it, as in never to return again. I lost 15 lbs in 2014 and guess what? It doubled itself  and found me again.

203.8

No, I didn't run 7.7786259 marathons........

I  got on the scale yesterday morning and I weighed in at...203.8. Yep the heaviest I have EVER have been in my life. I am going to blame it on turning 40, for no other reason than I can. I am sure maybe my love for southern cooking and bread might have played a small part.

I might have stopped at Shipley Donut's on the way to the dietitian, cause I am a REBEL and knew it would not be in my future, anytime soon.

Insert Rant: Okay, you have seen this before and part of me agrees and part of me thinks it is 100% horse manure. You are more than a number, a lot more BUT when my scale says 203.8, I better be pregnant with triplets and I am NOT!!! So, while I may be more important than a number, that number also means I have a lot of work to do. 

If you are like me you want to destroy some weight but you are not known for your will power and ability to say no to wine, cheese and cupcakes. Oh, and bread... and passing Shipley's on the way to work.


BUT....... I am going to pray real hard and set out to destroy some pounds! I am focused, determined and on a mission.

Road Trip: California

I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali..... was the song I was singing last Monday, July 28th..

I woke up at 2:30am Tuesday morning, left at 4:00 for the airport. Got on the plane at 6:30 only to back away from the gate, pull back up to the gate- deboard the plane due to a mechanical problem and wait for my new plane to arrive. We were back on the plane and taking off at 9:15.

What does one do when you arrive in LA at 10:30AM?!

You go to Manhattan Beach with these bums aka some really cool friends........

 

                                                       LZ  Beach Bum's

Fast forward to 5:30PM, it is FINALLY - Korean BBQ time, I have only been hearing about this tradition for 4 years, a group of Manager's  meet up for Korean BBQ the night before the offsite. It was a lot of fun. I made sure I sat by the pro's that knew what they were doing. I honestly don't think I have ever seen so much meat in my life. By 7pm, I was losing steam quickly since I had been up since 2:30AM.... so I headed to the hotel to crash for the night.

 

I woke up the next day with a skip and my step and excited to see what was in store for the day at the Manager offsite.

I have been to California several times over the last few years, one of the perks of your Headquarters being located here. My very dear friend lives here so I can usually count on getting to stay with her. This time I split my time between the Hilton and her house. Since, I was traveling for work I stayed at the Hilton for the first part of the week.

This was my first year to attend the Manager offsite, one of the perks of being promoted to a Manager. *insert big smile*

This year the meeting was  held at the Terranea LA's Oceanfront Resort and words do not describe how beautiful this place is and boy do they have some amazing food. We had buffets on the lawn terrace overlooking the ocean for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  The weather was gorgeous.

Here are a few pic's from that day-

We spent the evenings of our Hilton days on the 19th floor at the Skyline Lounge! Beautiful views and I always enjoy Shannon and Lisa time...

                                                  Shannon aka Sha-Nay-Nay

                                                    Lisa aka Fern

I have had a great time hanging out with my friend Chayris over the weekend. She is so thoughtful and so sweet. She had fresh flowers in my room  and she stopped at Trader Joe's and picked up a lot of goodies to snack on which included "bacon cheddar ranch" dip, omg - it so so good. She might have picked up some Red Velvet Chocolate Cupcakes too!

We ventured out in the Huntington Beach area for a girl's night out. We had pedicures, ate dinner and hand a night of painting. If you haven't been to Painting With A Twist you need to check it out. It is so much fun and you don't have to have any creative ability at all. HA!

I think we did pretty good...........

Since I have been to LA a few times I have a few spots I like to visit when I am in town. One of those is The Griddle Cafe "Come get buttered up and you'll have good luck" I mean how do you argue with that. I have had their "Peanut Bubba" french toast on both of my visits!! Mmmm.. I haven't ordered the pancakes yet, even though they look amazing!! I think I would need four friends to share with if I did... I have to take insulin just to look a the photo.. HA!

 

                                                       Red Velvet Pancakes


But seriously if you are in LA forget the "Hollywood" sign, drive straight to Sunset/Fairfax and eat breakfast here they have a lot of options... too many too choose from and maybe  next time I will show up with a pack of pancake eating friends and we will order what is in that picture above.

On our way back to the house Chayris mentioned a restaurant that she has been wanting to try but didn't know the name of it and i said "challenge accepted" so when we got home I pulled up my old friend google maps and searched and found it within 30 seconds. So, we ate dinner there that night.

It is called PACE 

 

It is a farm table restaurant that serves amazing Italian food. I had the pasta special of the night which was a homemade angel hair pasta with scallops, shrimp with a creamy herb sauce, um YES! Sign me up! I also had my first chocolate souffle', they let you know when you order that it is an option because it takes 40 minutes to bake. It was pure chocolate heaven. I went home and fell into a food coma..

                                                                Chocolate Souffle'


I get to the office this morning and my VP has created a name plate for me. I marked through my last name for my protection, for those of you who are wondering why it is my first name with a bunch of scribble.. HA!

 

I thought I would have some fun with it and sent it to a few of my Austin friends, told them it looked like it wasn't just a week visit but something that will be come permanent. A few quick responses.

1. Buuuulllllsssshhhhiiiittt
2. I will fly there and rip that shit off that wall.
3. The three of us will fly there kidnap you and bring you back.

I'm guessing they didn't find it humorous.....Ahhh, I feel loved....


Tomorrow is my last night in California, while I am sad to go home and leave Chayris and my other friends. I am thankful I am on one of the next flights outta here because if I stayed I might weigh over 300lbs with Porto's Bakery on the way to work and Starbucks being located across the street from work. They made TWO Starbucks runs today and of course I didn't say no...

I am very blessed that my job has given me the opportunity to travel to California, Florida, Chicago and Nashville.. I love the option of working out of the LA office and visiting friends.

I am excited to get home and see these sweet faces! I miss them bunches!!

                                                              My Girls



Blessings from Cali,
Jen

What The Heck.....

Since the return of my blog I have blogged about things that have happened between then and now. I believe I have mentioned the most awkward, crazy and most disastrous stories.....

There were a few dates not worthy of mentioning and then there were times like when I was in HEB on the card aisle and a guy comes up to me and tells me how pretty I am and that I have beautiful feet and he would be more than happy to massage them, excuse me, did that just happen.

The time that I volunteered and a guy took the initiative to email me and ask me out, that resulted in two dates and him reaching out to hold my hand that sent me racing to my car because it was so uncomfortable, he wasn't the one. Note: always park in valet when you are unsure of the chemistry, much easier to leave without the awkwardness of him trying to kiss you.

Then there was the time that a guy asked me my bra size before even inquiring my last name, things that make you go hmmm...

The most recent experience is the one that leaves me wondering, what the heck, can anyone just be honest and say how they feel. I guess I understand someone that is 16, 17 or even 18 being nervous about saying "hey, I am just not that into you" - "I am just feeling anything."

We even have text now to soften the blow you don't actually have to speak to someone these days to tell them you aren't interested in them. I mean  in person or over the phone it is definitely better than just sending a text but I am here to say a text is better than nothing.

I hear all the time "women are confusing"  and maybe we are but Men are not an exception to this, they are just as confusing. I truly believe if people just said what was on their hearts and minds and communicated better there would be a lot less confusion and a lot less emotions running ramped in this world.

I met a guy in Nashville when I was attending a Recruiting conference who happened to live in Austin. Long story short we went to lunch had a great time, conversation flowed well. We decided to see each other again and made plans to go out when he returned from his business trip he was currently on.

So, when he returned he texted me, which was on a Thursday. We chatted and I told him that I didn't think he was interested in me, he told me "oh no, I am very interested I have just been really busy, I would love to see you again" I say "well that is refreshing to hear" He said "so how about we go to an early movie and then watch the sunset on my boat"   I know what your thinking- a movie date? HA! I was ok with this since we had gone to lunch and chatted prior to this date, I didn't feel it would be at all awkward.

This is where it gets confusing - he proceeds to tell me that he is not seeing anyone and that he doesn't have any plans too, that he would communicate well and he would like to see where things go. That was an extra nugget of information that he volunteered on his own and not prompted by anything I had said.

The next day, Friday, we text back and forth a few times.

The following day, Saturday (date night)- I get a text at 8:45AM "I woke up with a headache and throwing up, I think it is from all the traveling I have been doing. I am going to rest and I will let you know how I feel later. We might need to r/s for next weekend.

My BULLSHIT radar went off at that moment but not wanting to be the bitter women I can be from all these experiences, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Well, we were supposed to meet at 3pm and 11am, 1pm, 2pm, 3pm, 4pm and 5pm came and I didn't hear a peep. Thanks for getting back with me...

That is his way of communicating well, really?

That was about a month ago and I never heard from him again.

I hate the confusion of someone telling you that they are interested in you to only show you that they are not. I hate that people don't have enough respect to be honest and call or text and say what is going on. If you aren't  interested in someone you should at least be man or woman enough especially at the age of 38 to follow up and say how you feel.

I am finding there are not a lot of differences at dating at the age of 39 1/2  as there was at 18. Guy's are still very much interested in one thing. They still don't know how to communicate and most aren't very honest.

I am well aware that I am going to have to kiss a few frogs before I meet the right guy. Even through all of these experiences, confusion and disappointment, I know that the right guy is out there. I am proud of myself for saying no to what I am not ready for and not settling. Truth is I could be in a relationship if a relationship was all I wanted but all these life lessons have taught me to not settle and wait on the guy that is going to bring all the qualities I am looking for to the table.

In the meantime, if you hear anything from this post let it be that we all need to be honest with the people in our life about how you feel about them. Don't hold onto someone you don't love, respect them enough to let them go and let them find the someone that they are supposed to be with. Be all in our dont' be in it at all.

I usually have no problem not contacting someone that has walked away from me as I truly believe they were never meant to stay but after talking to one of my friends and joking around I did have the last word with the most recent guy. About 4 days after the day were were supposed to go out and the last time I heard from him I sent him the following message "You must be really sick since I haven't heard from you in 4 days. Hope you get better soon" - Again, peer pressure played a role in that text, it didn't make me feel better and no he didn't respond.

My cousin recently asked me where I was shopping? I think back in the day you could meet a nice man of God at church. Now a lot of the men at church are not men of God. I haven't met any of these guys in any bars as I don't hang out in bars. As I mentioned a few were through the online dating experience and the others - through friends, work events, HEB, volunteering.

I am going to get up everyday and live my life and I pray that one of those day's he crosses my path until then....


Blessings,
Jen

Peer Pressure

Peer pressure... friend pressure... gentle push... friendly encouragement, whatever you want to call it, I am going to say it starts at the age of 2 and ends at death...

When you are single and the majority of your friends are in a relationship or married they think "online dating" is a great idea and something you HAVE to try! I was a little turned off when someone saw my ex- husband on one of the sites and sent me his "profile." I am well aware of his writing capabilities, since I usually drafted the majority of his emails for him. I am sure he picked one from a drop down box or had a customer care rep help him. It was also complete BS! So, the thought of online dating turned my stomach.

We have all given into peer pressure and I did, I folded. I thought what the heck what can it hurt. So I am going to summarize the (3) dating stories into one post so we don't have to replay this craziness in more than one. Then we are all going to forget it ever happened and never consider online dating again.

Guy 1:

He emailed me and it was not flirtatious nor did he say anything that crossed the line. It was a general email playing "get to know you" we emailed back and forth for a week or so answering and asking questions and getting to know each other. After a week or so of communicating we exchanged numbers and he texted me. So, for another week we played "get to know you" through text. Then he mentioned getting together a local place to meet.

I told him that I'd like to speak with him over the phone prior to meeting, so we did, we talked once- for 2 hours and talked more in depth about past experiences, faith, kids, beliefs...etc. He had a good job that he had been at for 10 years, he had attended the same church for 13 years and was actively involved, he had kids and seemed like a good dad, role model.

He didn't seem crazy, so I agreed to meet him on a week night at a local crowded spot in town. When I walked in and saw him, he was well groomed, nicely dressed and he smelled good! It was off to a good start. We shared appetizers and chatted for a few hours before calling it a night. The conversation was good and flowed well. He walked me to my car and texted me on my way home that he had a great time and would like to see me again.

We had a few more dates- dinner, dessert and coffee and walk in the park and ice-cream after. I thought he was coming up with creative dates but hindsight I think he was spending the least amount of money possible until he knew I was going to give him what he wanted. I could be wrong....

So, things seemed to be moving a long at a good pace, he was sending me "good morning" text messages, chatting through out the day...we had been talking for about a month and half at this point and  then.... I got the text that said "I think I would like to kick the tires" kick the tires? Really? Reeeeeallly? I can't make this stuff up. I sat in awe for what seemed like 30 minutes with my chin on my desk. After I regained consciousness that it had actually happened, I responded "Your not even going to get to test drive the car much less kick the tires" no response.... another day goes by..... no response... fast forward to today, a year later, no response!


Guy 2:

So, the next dating disaster from online dating also emailed me as that is how it works. You chat via email through the site and when you feel comfortable you exchange numbers. Ok, so we chat play "get to know you" and after a week or so we exchanged numbers and started texting each other.

We started chatting through text on a Wednesday and  found out we had similar interest in music, food, hobbies- he said he would like to meet me and we scheduled a date for the following Monday because I had plans with M and was going to be gone over the weekend. The following day Thursday, he texted me and started the "get to know you again" a few hours after chatting he said this is going to sound crazy but we are adults and it will be fun, I thought to myself - oh boy here we go. He asked me "let's do a sex questionnaire to see if we are compatible" I said "no thanks" insert, completely turned off now. He said "it will be fun we are grown adults"  I didn't respond.

The next day, Friday I get a text "I am going to be out of pocket for the weekend and I am not going to have reception, have a great weekend" Really? Cause there are not many places you can go these days that doesn't have cell services my BS radar went off and that is completely ok, because I honestly lost interest at "will you do a sex questionnaire to see if we are compatible"

and yea.. I never heard from again if you were curious..

Guy 3:

So, this fellow emails me tells me he thinks I have a beautiful smile and eyes. At least it was a compliment and not crossing the line. So insert "get to know" you as mentioned above and fast forward to him asking me on a date. I was hesitant cause he was "ok" in the looks arena and for those thinking don't judge a book by the cover, you need to be attracted to the person you are dating. I chalked it up to not everyone takes pictures well and agreed to meet him. He was funny and had a sense of humor. So, the night of the date sends me a text 25 minutes before he is supposed to meet me and says "what is the name of the place we are meeting at again"  ok, this isn't going to go well. He lacks attention to detail cause I texted it to him earlier in the day.

I arrive and he strolls in 10 minutes late.

This date was painful, he was arrogant and he talllllllkkkkkkeeeed the whooooooollle time. My ears were bleeding. I answered two questions in a matter of 3 hours. He cussed through out the date and was arrogant and thought he was funny. It was painful...I pushed through saying a thankful prayer that the restaurant closed at 10 and we had to leave. He walked me to my car where he talked another 20 minutes about his Dad's dog. He gave me a hug and I texted him when I got home and thanked him for meeting me but I didn't feel a connection and wished him the best of luck.

I canceled my account the moment I got home...

It is not for me... some people, yes-  but not me.

and that is my online dating experience.


Blessings,
Jen

8 Weeks

So, I am writing this post while drinking a 24oz coffee at a new local spot I found, so this post might be longer than it should given the caffeine. HA! The next post might follow at 2am when I am still awake from the coffee, maybe I need to find a local wine bar.

In 2006, I needed a new start, a clean slate, to go where I didn't know anyone and build somewhat of a new identity. I wanted more for myself and my daughter than to "just get by" I wanted to create a life for myself that I didn't have to financially depend on another person or my family. At the time I was dating someone that had moved to Austin after meeting him in Waco but while that helped my decision it did not drive it. I knew I would not find a corporate recruiting position in Waco.

I started working at Express Personnel as a Receptionist in 1996 and after a year and a few days moved into a Recruiter role, I found my calling. I had no idea that 15+ years later I would be where I am at, in fact if you told me the Lord came to you in a dream and told you where I would be, it is highly possible I would think you were crazy, not a prophet.

So one day I was sitting in my apartment and I thought ok, what the heck I will just apply for a few jobs in Austin, nothing will probably happen. Well, it did happen and quickly. I applied for a Recruiter role, made a few trips for the interview and the next thing I knew they were making me an offer.  Makenzie still had 3 months of school left and I needed to let her finish before moving. So, I commuted from Waco to Austin for 3 months BEFORE toll roads. My life consisted of getting up at 4am and getting home at 8pm, sleep and repeat!!

I held a few recruiting positions within the agency world in Austin and in 2010 I got the huge break I was looking for. I was working at Adecco and LegalZoom was my client and worked on their account several months before getting laid off from Adecco.

The news of being laid off from Adecco had come at the worst time (so I thought.) I had just moved in with a friend and separated from my husband. I literally had been there one night when they called to let me know. I was devastated. The next day I logged online to apply for unemployment and start looking for a job. What do I see? A posting for a position at LegalZoom? I immediately applied for the role and emailed my contact at LegalZoom to let her know that I had applied.

She emailed me back to let me know that she was not the hiring manager for the  "HR Manager" role I had applied for. She then went on to say that the same day I emailed her she was thinking she needed to hire an additional recruiter. She told me that it would need to go through the approval process and it could be a few weeks.

I am a person of faith and I always try to lean on faith that things will work out and God will take care of me and that his plan is always, always bigger and better. He has never left me behind and he wasn't going to start now. During this period is probably one of the times my faith has been the strongest. From the moment she told me that she wanted to hire someone I knew that it was going to work out. I didn't even apply for another job that I was so sure that it was written in the stars for me to work for LegalZoom.

I don't consider myself to be someone that worries, I consider myself to be a person with 0 patience, I mean not even an ounce and in certain situations this can drive me crazy and the people around me. In this situation I didn't worry, I believed it would work. I honestly wish I could have that kind of faith in every situation of my life and it is something I am really trying to work on.

Two weeks later... the phone rings and she is calling to let me know she got the approval to hire someone and she would like bring me on board BUT she was only able to get it approved for 8 weeks, I'll take it, without a doubt I will take it. When God opens a door you don't close it, you don't question, you don't think about it, you don't say are you sure God? Is this what you want for me?  You walk through the DAMN DOOR!!!

So began my journey at LegalZoom, it has been the best professional journey. All the crazy people I worked for prior that were stepping stones to this opportunity were worth it. I have met some amazing people and developed some great friendships. I get to work with people that believe in me, that have mentored me. I have grown in so many ways and after a lot of hard work I started on that 8 week journey that has now been 4 years. I started as a Recruiter, promoted to a Sr. Recruiter and was recently promoted to Manager, Talent Management. I am not even close to being done in growing professionally. I am building skill sets in new areas and learning new things everyday.

I had the end goal of getting into Corporate recruiting when I moved to Austin, God said No, I have better things in store for you. Step out in faith and I will take you there. He has in so many ways and I am humbly thankful for the opportunities that LegalZoom provides everyday, for the awesome people I work with. It is my saving grace on days that I need to take my mind to another place away from my personal life and failures that shine like a neon light some days.

I am beyond honored to be the person that gets to call candidates and change their life, give them an opportunity to grow and develop with such an awesome company. To let an internal candidate know that they got the promotion. What I do is life changing and I am so grateful God trusted me with the talent of helping people further careers and give them the job that gets them to their next stepping stone in life.

I have created that life where I can financially care for my daughter and myself. When I enter my next relationship the one that is going to work and last, I am bringing something to the table. I want to be an equal partner in a relationship and not make someone feel that I am dependent on their paycheck but instead that together we provide for our family as one.


I am no longer getting by..........



Blessings,
Jen

Purpose...

Write about me she said....

You got it..

A lot of us walk around this world wondering what our purpose is? Why are we here? Through out my 39.5 years of life on this earth I have pondered that thought myself and here are a few things I have figured out....

That cupcakes are pure happiness and shouldn't be eaten with a fork, Mom, diet coke doesn't make things better, my heart REALLY isn't going to break but it does physically hurt as if it has, that it is never ok to wear socks with sandals, Mom, there are only a few people that are going to walk through most of your life with you, life was easier as a kid,  regardless of the pain there is healing and always a smile in your future, this life is temporary, eating Cheetos is worth the cheese remains left behind on your fingers, it is worth the risk to lick the bowl, spoon and whatever else has cake batter on it, rise or fall the risk is worth it all and that the best thing that has ever happened to me is my girl, M.

I also believe it is about waking up each day with a grateful heart and making the best effort I can to be Christ like and some days boy does that take a lot of prayer and effort, to share a smile, lend a hand, encourage, support and be the best YOU, that you can be and the rest falls into place right, maybe? maybe not?

I  do know that the day my precious baby girl all 7lbs and 9oz of her came into my life was the day I found purpose, I have loved her from the moment I saw her and I would never want to know a world where she didn't exist. I can't believe in a few short months she will be able to start drivers ed, *gasp*

M found her identity and independence at the young age of 18mths old, while I am grateful for a daughter born with a "spit fire" streak of independence, teaching her when and how to use it has been a challenge. From temper tantrums in the middle of the mall to throwing shoes from the back seat, I have shed tears that turned to laughter to keep from going insane. A thousand calls to my Mother for advice to hear " I don't know you were never that challenging" - HA! It has been a whirlwind of ride one that I wouldn't change for a minute. In the time that M was growing, learning so was I. She has taught me so much.

I have been through a lot, mostly in my 30's that M had to endure along beside me, while I sheltered her from what I could there were definitely times that I had conversations I shouldn't have to have, that I moved more than I wanted too, it has brought challenges into her life that she faced head on. Her tenacity, strength and strong will has molded her into someone I know that will stand up for what she believes and be the best version of her.

I am proud of her for the  feisty toddler she was to the young lady she has turned out to be. She has faced a learning disability in reading and worked hard and currently does not have any extra assistance in school and aced the STAARS test this year. She is moving into high school for her freshman year and I am beyond excited to see what the Lord has in store for her.

I can only hope she can hear my stories, listen to my advice and make better choices than I have a long the way. While I know she will set out in the world someday and make her mistakes that will help her grow and blossom into a woman, I hope that her life holds less painful experiences than mine has. That she will always go back to her roots when life trys to show her  who's boss and that she leans on the Lord and holds on tight for this wild ride called life.

On days where it is stressful because thoughts race in and out about what the future holds and I feel like the valley is never ending, one thing that makes me smile is that I have the unconditional love of this child.....

 

She is quirky and funny, she hates spiders and thinks moths are going to eat her. She is smart, strong and confident. She thinks cheese was the best thing created, she has a gentle and kind heart and is giving and loving. She's a baker just like her Momma!!

 

 

 

I love you sweet girl!!

 

Love, Mom

Christine's Beer Goggles

                                              New Year's Eve 2012


Picture it December 31, 2012 (4 months after the finale of "Towed")

My friend Christine invited me out with her finance and a few friends to ring in the new year of 2013!! So, I agreed they are tons of fun so I knew the night would be full of laughs and too much alcohol for a lot of people. I agreed to be the one girl in the bar sober while everyone else was drunk designated driver, free Diet Coke all night!

We ended up at a local pub in Austin with a live band and packed house. An hour or so before midnight I am sitting on a bar stool facing Christine whom has had a few hundred drinks, all the sudden I see her making the motion of waving someone towards us. I look back over my shoulder and it is a guy that had to be 6'7, at least!  I immediately turn around and say "what are you doing, why are you waving him over here" She said "he is cute and he is TALL!" Well, she was right about one thing he was TALL, it was then I knew she had her beer goggles on.

Honestly, I have tried to erase the encounter from my mind that I can't even remember his name. HA! So, once he made his way over to us Christine proceeded to be her bubbly self and introduce me to him. This is my friend JJJJJJJJEEEEEEENNNNNNNNYYYY, ok maybe she didn't call me Jenny but I am 99.5% sure she did.

Being the nice person I am I turned around and made conversation with him. We started off with the usual, "So, what do you do for a living" He told me was in sales then my Recruiter hat appeared, I can't help it. When I meet someone that happens to be in the field of a position I am recruiting for I go into recruiter mode. I told him about the sales position I was recruiting for, gave him my business card and told me him to email me his resume.

I was thinking I was free in clear, I went the business route he knows I am not interested, WRONG! He proceeded to stand there and make it a little more awkward, meanwhile Christine is grinning like a Cheshire cat, behind me

We yelled over the band a little longer talked a little more and he asked me if I would be interested in going on a date with him, sigh, since the conditions were loud, he wasn't ugly- I thought ok, I will give it one shot.

So, after the new year we texted since men don't use the phone for talking we agreed to meet at Starbucks for a coffee and then go see a movie BIG HUGE MISTAKE, never see a movie on a first date especially with someone you are not sure about.

We met at Starbucks and he walks in with jeans that are 2 inches too short and a sweater, I was done when I saw that he had no meat on his bones and his pants were too short.  (The evening I met him he had a big puffy jacket on.) We sat and talked and drank our coffee. We walked over to the theatre and grabbed our seats in the theatre, we were the only one's there besides another couple! No shock, who goes and sees a 3 hour movie on Sunday night that starts at 8pm, ME! Ugh!

It was awkward, very awkward - he acted like he didn't know where to put his hands, when I talked to him I had to look at him and he was like 5 inches from my face. I sat with my legs crossed and my hands between my legs the WHOLE movie, 3 hours- I thought I was going to need a hip replacement it hurt so bad from not moving for 3 hours.

Did I mentioned it was awkward?

If there was EVER a time I wanted to go to the bathroom and not return to my seat, this was the night. I pushed through and finally the movie was over, boy have I never wanted  a movie to end more than I did that one.

We walked out of the theatre and he walked me to my car. I opened the door and put the door between us, I wasn't even going in for a side hug. He told me he had fun and I smiled. He said "I will call you" and I said "ok" jumped in my car and sped off as fast as I could.

I didn't hear from him again................ and I am completely ok with that. I'm guessing he picked up on my energy.

What happened to Christine? She is still a good friend but she was fired from picking men for me especially when she is drinking.

Random fact for anyone that is reading this, just because a guy is REALLY tall does NOT make him the perfect guy for me.

The awkwardness I felt that night came back as I was writing this... *shiver*

Next..........


Blessings,
Jen

Letting Go....

I've had some hard lessons in letting go throughout out my life but 2012 was certainly the year that the lesson repeated itself multiple times in a few different ways. I have been told that people come into your life not always to stay, they are apart of your journey to get you to the next stepping stone in life. They are either a blessing or a lesson.

I don't want it to seem that I don't feel blessed, I am, but I feel like I have been overwhelmed with lessons. Life is a constant lesson but I am hoping soon to be overwhelmed with blessings for a bit.

Letting go isn't just about love, it is;  loss of jobs, friends, family members, it comes in various life lessons and in 2012 I experienced a few.

Everyone is well aware of the "Prince not so Charming" returning to California.....

A few months after that finale I learned that my Manager whom was also a very close friend and mentor would be relocating back to California. I was shocked, I knew she had a promotion up in coming that was well deserved but I never thought that it would take her back to California. We shared tears, laughs and the silver lining was that she wasn't leaving the company, just Austin. I still get to see her when I am there for work or when she is in town for work and we definitely make the most of our time together when we get to see each other. Silver lining, she is still very much apart of my life and always will be but having to say goodbye and not have her here to be apart of my everyday was extremely hard.

As parents we always know there will come a day that our children will grow up and leave the nest and head off to college and start out on their journey in life. We build up to that moment, each day they are in high school helps prepare us for the moment they head off on their own.

It is not something I was prepared to ponder, think about or even talk about when my daughter was at the young age of 12. I noticed there was a change in her mood when I was picking her up at the end of her visit with her Dad. I asked her what was bothering her and she told me it made her sad to leave her brother and that she wanted to be able to spend more time with him. There is a 12 year age difference between the two of them and she knew that by the time she graduated high school he would be starting kindergarten and their lives would take them in two different directions.

So, we talked A LOT more about it and after a week or so she had made the decision to go live with her Dad so she could bond with her brother and build that relationship. In any decision I have ever made for her I have always tried to do what was in her best interest. Even though I knew I was going to miss her like crazy and it would definitely be an adjustment for us both, I felt like "letting her go" was the right thing to do. I did not want to be the one that stood in the way of her building that everlasting bond with her brother.

Although we have had rough days being apart there have been several silver linings; outside the obvious of her brother thinking she hung the moon and the stars and the relationship they share, M has excelled in school and has made huge strides academically and is doing the best she has ever done in her current school. She has the pleasure of having my parents next door and getting quality time with them. Although I have her less, the time I have with her on the weekends is more quality and we get to hang out and have fun together.

Not having her here will always be an adjustment but the sting of the pain is less.

Letting go is my least favorite lesson and I know that it is one that will always present itself but I hope that each time it does, the last lesson prepared me for the next one in line.

"After a while I looked in the mirror and realized... wow all those hurts, scars and bruises, after all those trials. I did it, I made it through. I straightened my crown and walked away like a boss"

Blessings,
Jen

Gout & Towed

So, I'm thinking of calling Taylor Swift to write a song about this post but I'm pretty sure there is already a country song out there that relates..

After I picked myself up and dusted my knees off from the tumble of the  "California Prince not so Charming" I moved forward in life like I always do. Here are the next two encounters of my dating journey ...

My first date out of the gate was with a guy named Mike, whom I met through a couple I know. We actually met for the first time at a BBQ at the couple's house and he seemed nice. I wasn't quite sure there was a connection there but I agreed to see him again and go out to dinner. Meanwhile we communicated through text since cause no one actually uses their phone to speak through it, most especially guys.

So, he picked me up and we went to a local Austin hot spot and it was fun, a little awkward, yet fun. I decided to go ahead and go out with him one more time to see...

We met for dinner a few nights later where I received my answer: "No but heck no there is not a connection here" I got to hear about his day off, Dr's appointments, gout - yep, he told me why he went to the Dr and left no detail out. *sigh* I pushed through and made it through the end of the date where there was no doubt in my mind he was not the one for me. I am not a person that has a problem talking to anyone or finding something to talk about but this particular evening, it was a challenge. We received the bill and headed to the car and the whole time I was thinking "Please don't try to kiss me" I arrived at my car went in for a side hug and told him thanks for dinner, peeled out of the parking lot leaving nothing but tire marks and my smoke.

We texted briefly the next day where I proceeded to tell him that I just didn't feel a connection between us. I later found out he told our mutual friends, "I think she could have showed more initiative" - Hmmm.. I think you shouldn't talk about gout at the dinner table.

NEXT!!!

Picture it hot June night in Round Rock, Texas. You arrive to the Round Rock ballpark to meet a blind date  and you see him for the first time and you think "huh, he's actually pretty cute and tall" and you even might be as crazy to think there is a connection.  The evening goes well,we seemed mutually interested in each other. We go on 2-3 more dates and then he got TOWED! Yep, towed! In fact a few of my friends still refer to him as "Towed"

At the time I was living at a town home and you could not park on the street, there were even signs that said so! We were headed over to BBQ with some friends and I told him I would drive since I knew where we were going. He asked me "You think my car is ok here or should I move it" Me: "It will be fine, it is Saturday" this is where my amnesia set in and forgot about the "no parking" on the street rule.  We returned back to my house around midnight and guess what? Yep, his car was not there. *sigh* Which the thought had crossed my mind that it had been stolen not towed. So, not a whole lot you can do at midnight when you are not sure if your car was stolen or towed. So, I parked him on the couch for the evening and proceeded to go upstairs and call it a night.

Which, later I realized he was not at all happy about. I'm guessing he thought I owed it to him to have sex  because..

1. HE thought we were far enough along in our relationship that it was time
2. I was the one that told him it was ok to park on the street

He is right about #2, my fault, I owned it, I said I was sorry a thousand times...

The next morning I find a very grumpy and irritated good looking tall fellow in my living room. We call the Leander police and find out the car was towed and where... I dropped him off he paid $200.00 (which he was later reimbursed for by my landlord) to get his car and I didn't hear from him the rest of the day.

We had one more date after that which, I thought did not go to well and two days later I got a text at 6:00AM in the morning "I just don't think things are working out"

To this day I am still not sure if it was because I wouldn't have sex with him or because I got his car towed...

I didn't respond, I moved on!

Now & Then- AGAIN!

She's back, I'm back!

I seriously can't believe I haven't blogged since 2011. I can definitely say a lot has happened since then, A LOT!

When I pulled my blog back up I had to revisit some old post that really showed me I have missed writing. I left a few post from way back when but kind of wanted to start fresh. So,let's start with a little at a time. I have a lot of good stories to share, that are now funny, not so much when they happened. I know the anticipation is killing you!

So,  my last post in 2011 was about my fairytale relationship I was in, *insert* cough/laugh/eye roll. I really did just laugh out loud,  I'm sorry the post  was so ridiculous and sappy I couldn't leave it on this site. Let's just say that my "fairytale" "Prince Charming" turned out to be; a 44 year old grown man with no ambition or goals. He lived in Texas for 6 months before he decided that he was going to high tail it back to California to never be heard from again. I will say that the last thing he said was probably the ONLY truthful thing that ever came out of his mouth "You deserve better than me" had I not been in pure shock after coming home from work and hearing him say "I am going back to California" I might have said "Damn straight, I do - don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya" but instead I just stood there and didn't say anything cause I felt like silence was what he deserved AND that is all I am going to say about that cause that literally was 2 1/2 years ago and there have been SO  many more moments of "did that really just happen" since then that I can't wait to share.

So, as I was catching up on my old post I ran across this one, Now & Then. I really do think God has a sense of humor, I wrote "However, I wonder if I will have the patience for dating at 36." I think my first mistake was to put it out in the universe "I wonder" it wasn't a request for a test in patience but it has turned out to be such. HA! If I didn't have the patience at 36, I am hear to tell you I know I don't at 39 1/2. It has been a very hurtful, lonely, confusing, comical ride.

What hasn't changed in the last 3 years?

" I might not understand the rules of dating but this is what I do know. I have experienced life full throttle and it isn't even close to being over. I am a tall strong confident beautiful woman and I have a lot to offer.. They are going to treat me like the great woman I am."

So, one would think that men would be more mature in my age range, HA! I am here to tell you that chivalry is on the side of the road somewhere dying and someone needs to find it, throw it on a gurney, resuscitate it before it DIES!!!

One thing I have learned on this ride is that the Lord knows my heart and the cuts and bruises that are deep and I believe the rejection closed doors are there to protect me from another idiot guy from coming into my life and hurting me even deeper. I am thankful for that protection and love that he has fo rme. It has taken me awhile to see it that way, but I am glad I have finally arrived at that mind-set and revelation.

Well, my dating disasters journey won't be the only stories I will share here. I have a beautiful daughter that is now 14 *GASP* that I love talking about and of course I work in the world of HR/Talent Management where people do the craziest things!! So stay tuned cause I got a lot more coming your way!

I will close tonight with a way back when post that will be sure to make you laugh - Gas Stations

Blessings,
Jen

My Dad...

is wise, funny, humble, clever, intelligent, forgiving and amazing.

I have so much emotion when it comes to my Dad he is such a huge part of my life and I don't know how I would have gotten to today without him. I have a that special bond with my Dad that only a daughter can have.

I remember sitting on his lap with pigtails in my hair and him saying "just put your lips together and blow," as he was trying to teach me how to whistle. I remember him sitting patiently listening to my long winded stories as I tried to get ever detail of the day into it.  I remember my 6th grade choir concert where he yelled from the audience "YAY Jenny." He always takes the opportunity to embarrass me, even today. When I think back to those moments I can see that huge smile on his face. I remember him doing the twist in the living room to Fats Domino and singing loud and my Mom just shaking her head. I remember trying out for Mascot in high school and looking over and seeing him peaking through the door to watch. I will never forget the time I was bored and told him so and he gave me a brown bag, scissors and sent me outside to cut stickers!!! I will also not forget the time I was 18 years old and he woke me up at 11:00PM at night to rewash all the dishes because he found a crumb on a plate.


My Dad has faced adversity, challenges, failure and has taken risk that most people wouldn't even think about taking. He has taught me how to walk proud, fight for what I believe and love those that don't deserve my love and most importantly how to forgive myself. My Dad has taught me how to get back up and dust myself off after falling down. He has hugged me and said it is going to be ok when he could have said "I told you so." My Dad has watched me make so many choices on my own that he knew would lead me down a the path he would have not chosen. He stood by carefully watching me letting me make my own mistakes because he knew that they would develop me into the person I needed to be (he also knew if he would have said something I wouldn't have listened) - I just might get a stubborn streak from him as well.

My Dad has shown me how a man should love and treat his wife and that anything outside of that is not acceptable. He taught me how to settle for nothing less than the best.

I am so thankful for his discipline, long talks, advice, support, constant encouragement and the smile in his voice every time I talk to him. I am grateful for his grace, forgiveness, love and compassion.

My Dad has walked through  every step of my life with me even when I didn't know he was there. He is quietly always a few steps behind me to catch me when I fall... He is my biggest cheerleader and one of my best friends.

There are not words for how blessed I am that God picked him to be my Dad!

I will forever be a Daddy's girl no matter how old I am.

I love you Dad!

:)

Fern VS Bamboo

so many times in life I have faced hardships, trials, death, disappointment and wondered why I was going through what I was facing. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and out of a tragedy comes a blessing. I have a lot of unanswered questions that may never be answered and that is ok. I take each day as a new one and know that the hardships I have faced have made me into the amazing person I am today. I truly try to walk in faith each day...

I love inspirational and motivational phrases and I love to share them to encourage others. Sometimes you hear that one phrase or that one story that resonates with you and it is like AH HA that is exactly how I feel. Sometimes that phrase or that story helps you get to the next day.

My favorite quote currently is "the plan you cannot see is greater than the circumstance you can" - that is so true and holds so much weight. We get wrapped up in the circumstance we are going through and how we are going to handle it, that we lose sight of what lies ahead and just how great it could be. Keep hope and faith that the plan you cannot see is much greater than what you are going through at the moment.

Another quote that I like is "The teacher is always quiet during the test" - you might feel alone and that God has left your side. Just remember that he promised that he would never lead us to failure but he would test us. So, it is possible you are going through a test.

What brought me to this post was the story about the Fern Vs Bamboo.... It is on many websites so I am not sure where it originated from but I wanted to share:

One day I decided to quit... I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.

"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
 His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said.. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.

"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo". He said. "In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit." He said. "Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.

Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant. But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."

He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots. I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you. Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern, yet, they both make the forest beautiful."

"Your time will come, "God said to me. " You will rise high!"
"How high should I rise?" I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned. "Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and brought back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.

Don't quit you are growing roots!!!
:)

Mothers....

I meant to get this post out in time for Mother's Day but between traveling, work and my computer not being hooked up it didn't happen. So, here I am now...

When I write a post it is something that pops in my head that I think about for a few days and what I want to say. When I was thinking about what to write for Mother's Day it was hard for me to find the words. I have so much emotion when it comes to my Mother and being a Mother myself.

When I was growing up I depended on my Mom for a lot of things and when I became a teenager I wasn't as dependent on her. I went my own way and hung out with my friends and did my own thing. I was a teenager. Now, that I am a Mom myself and in my mid 30's I find myself depending on her maybe as much as I did when I was a kid but in a different way.

My Mother has transformed from my Mom to my best friend. She has guided me through life with hugs, kisses, prayers, advice, laughter, tears, encouragement and understanding. She showed me how to become a young lady, young woman and most importantly a Mom. Without her direction, discipline and prayers I would not be the person I am today.

I don't know what I would do without my Mom she is like the air I breathe. She is my right arm. I usually don't go more than two days without talking to her. She is the one I call when I want to know how to get a stain out, how many cups is 12 tablespoons, why is Makenzie doing this, what am I going to do with Makenzie, what is the banana pudding recipe for the 100th time? She is the person I call when I am sad. She is the first one I call when I have good news. She is in my everyday!

She has supported me through every phase of my life good and bad she has been there without question and always steps in when she is needed. She is a wonderful Mimi to Makenzie and is always there for her when she needs her.

She has taught me self-respect, christian values, friendship, motherly traits  and most of all her culinary skills.

I still light up and smile ear to ear when she tells me "I am proud of you Jen" I don't care how old you get you are always glad to know that you made your parent's proud.

I am truly blessed to be the daughter of such a wonderful giving, loving Mother. She is simply my everything!

Love you Mom!

In my Daughter's eyes....

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero

I am strong and wise and I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I wanna be

In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal

Darkness turns to light and the

world is at peace

This miracle God gave to me gives me

strengths when I am weak

I find reason to believe

In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand

around my finger

Oh it puts a smile in my heart

Everything becomes a little clearer

I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart

has had enough

It's giving more when you feel like giving up

I've seen the light

It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future

A reflection of who I am and what will be

Though she'll grow and someday leave

Maybe raise a family

When I'm gone I hope you see how happy

she made me

For I'll be there

In my daughter's eyes.....

Martina Mcbride - In My Daughter's Eyes